YOUR CUSTOMIZED WEDDING

Where and how do you begin preparing for your beautiful wedding? With a date? With a place? With the type of wedding? With a budget?

Almost every bride's book suggests a different starting place. By now, if you have consulted several different wedding planners, you are thoroughly confused. The fact is, a number of questions need to be answered almost simultaneously in the beginning stages of your planning. The difficulty comes because some of the answers are contingent upon others. The date you choose may conflict with the availability of the location you choose. A location may be lovely and still be completely inappropriate to the type of wedding you've always wanted. And, your budget plays a part in deciding the style of your wedding.

Your parents are the hosts at your wedding, and you will need to have a realistic idea of what they are willing to spend. Also, if your mother has her heart set on a large church wedding, and you'd prefer a more simple ceremony, this is the time to bargain and come to a reasonable compromise. If you've dreamed for years of wearing a long, sweeping train and your father is urging, Why don't you kids just elope? You need to decide how important it is to have that formal wedding. Maybe you will want to settle for a semiformal ceremony. Or, is your father willing to pay for some of the expenses, if you can handle the rest? These are unromantic sounding questions, but all the rest of your planning is based on your answers to them. Begin by discussing these four areas frankly with your parents:

• Date
• Place
• Style
• Budget

Armed with a prospective wedding date, a tentative budget and a general idea of the type of wedding you will have, you are ready to begin looking for a place to get married. Possible wedding locations include: Your church, a rented church building, a garden (In areas where the weather is unpredictable, you need to have a back-up plan. Rain or strong winds can cause real problems for your outdoor event.), a home, a banquet room in a club or hotel, a wedding chapel, the rectory or Pastor's study, or a beautiful natural setting (in the woods, at the lake, in a canyon, etc).

In choosing the location of your wedding you will need to consider the following:

• The type of wedding: Is it too formal for your informal wedding? Or too informal for your ultra-formal wedding?
• The number of guests: Will it accommodate all your guests comfortably? Is it so large that the number of guests you are expecting will feel conspicuous there?
• The reception: If there is no room to have a reception, is there an appropriate place nearby? Would it be more convenient to hold both the wedding and the reception in the same place? Or, if all your wedding guests are not also invited to the reception, maybe separate locations would be best.
• Date: Is this place available on a date that is acceptable for your wedding?
• Arrangement: Is there adequate room for the bridal party to dress and await the ceremony?
• Peripheral Activity: If you are using a hotel or clubhouse, what will be happening on that day in the next room? Will a band be blaring so your guests will not be able to hear your wedding vows? Is that the date the organization has chosen to begin a remodeling project?
• Colors: How will the decorations you are planning fit the decor? How about the colors of the carpet, drapes, pews, etc.?
• Lighting: Check the windows: If you are having a daytime wedding, check for glare at the time of day you will be getting married. If you are planning an evening wedding and the windows are not draped, will garish lighted signs detract from your ceremony?
• The address: How difficult will it be for out of town guests to find?
• Budget: Don't be afraid to ask the price and to ask what the price includes. If janitorial service is extra, how much is it? Is chair rental extra? Are a kneeling bench and arch available or will you need to rent them if you plan to use them?
• Sprinklers: If you are going to have a garden wedding or reception, be sure to check to see if there is a timer on the sprinkler system, and be sure it will not come on and soak you and your guests.

Now that you have chosen your wedding date, the setting, the type of wedding and settled on a budget, you are ready to begin actual planning of the wedding and reception details.

For years bridal planning books have said, it's your day, anything you want is proper. Then, they gave a list of do's and don'ts that left to the bride only such decisions as which pastel her attendants would wear, whether a miniature bride and groom or silver bells would adorn the top of the wedding cake, and whether the soloist would be a man or a woman. When a bride was bold enough to try something different her parents and guests were horrified. This is no longer the case.

Today's bride wants her wedding to reflect her personality. She may even choose to write all or part of her own ceremony. Token choices are not enough. What the Vanderbilts do is not nearly as important to her as what her friends will enjoy, and what is beautiful and proper to her and her groom.

Many etiquette books state that the only invitation acceptable for a formal wedding is an engraved invitation. Most brides now order thermographed invitations instead. The raised printing on these invitations is almost impossible to distinguish from engraving and they are a fraction of the cost. Colored inks and designs are frequent choices. Invitations with a picture of the bride and groom are among the most popular ordered. Some brides design their own invitations and have them printed rather than thermographed. This can give a more personal touch to the less formal wedding.

The receiving line is another etiquette book standard that today's bride often sets aside. She and her groom prefer to mingle with their guests and spend a few intimate moments with each of their friends and relatives instead of standing in line and offering a rushed greeting. Choosing your attendants is another very personal matter. In the past certain cousins or friends have sometimes been urged upon a bride as being obligatory when she would rather have someone else stand with her. A bride in Cottonwood, Arizona, made an extraordinary choice. Everyone told her that her honor attendant should be her best friend. She was in a real dilemma because, while she had female friends, her best friend was her brother. "It was beautiful," her mother says. "He escorted me in and stood by my side until the rest of the bridal party was in place. Then he took his place next to his sister as her honor attendant.

At another wedding, a thoughtful groom delivered a special tribute to the wedding guests. After he and the minister had come to the front, before the bridal procession, he stepped to a microphone. He thanked each one present for being a part of his and his bride's life up to that day and for being present to celebrate with them that most special day in their lives.

At some weddings, a musical groom or bride sings a special love song to their loved one. Others may read a special poem that speaks of their love for one other. Some couples write the vows to be used in their ceremony. This gives a very special, personal touch to the whole day.

Five young sisters made a pact that they would all be attendants for whichever sister was being married. When her first daughter was married, their mother made four bridesmaids dresses. "As each successive wedding approached," she says, "the girls would gather at my house to try on the gowns. Sizes would be shuffled and alterations would be made. When time came for the fifth gown fitting, the girls spent a long time upstairs so, I went to find out what the problem was. All four bridesmaids were in their wedding gowns. The bride had four matrons of honor, each dressed in her own wedding gown. It was really very touching."

Many brides choose to wear their mother's, grandmother's, or older sister's wedding dress. Alterations are not that difficult when performed by an experienced seamstress. If damage has occurred, the dress trim and lace can be custom matched through most bridal shops. However, be sure to allow sufficient time (at least two months). If the wedding gown lines are classic, you may want to update with a new headpiece, hat or veil. Or, you may have the original piece reconditioned. Use a cleaners and seamstress who are experienced in working with older fabrics, if it's been stored very long.

More and more, brides are finding their own brand of formality and etiquette somewhere between the fastidious etiquette of the bridal planning books and the gracious casualness of their own imaginations. Use bridal books to find out what is usual in certain types of weddings, not as rigid rules for your wedding. Don't be afraid to make some unusual choices along the way. Keep them within the framework of your lifestyle and your guests will be pleased rather than shocked. You will have a custom tailored wedding.

C. 1997, Beverly C. Bishop